


Deserved

by stardropdream



Category: X/1999
Genre: CLAMPkink, F/M, M/M, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-23
Updated: 2013-02-23
Packaged: 2017-12-03 07:59:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/696038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardropdream/pseuds/stardropdream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wanted the pain, the punishment, but it was never given.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deserved

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted for the CLAMP kink and then reposted to LJ August 22, 2010.

  
It was something he wouldn’t be able to do, awake, but here it was enough to spark out the feelings, the pain, the moment just before his body arched and his throat caught in tear-choked silence. _Kamui_ indulged him in this way, never betraying anything behind those eyes. Kakyou did not know what he thought, in the situations like that, but even if he asked he would not receive a direct answer. Or an answer at all, in most cases.   
  
So Kakyou just let the world move as it was determined to.   
  
_Kamui_ pushed Kakyou down, gently—( _please don’t be gentle_ )—his hands smoothing over his body as he brushed aside Kakyou’s kimono, untying the sash with decisive movements. Nothing sparked on his face, just the slightest hint of _something_ that flickered across his face.   
  
_No pleasure,_ Kakyou thought, miserably, but did not say as _Kamui_ continued to treat him gently, cupping him with one hand while pushing the hair from his face with the other. The hands moved with precision, with a tenderness that almost seemed mocking. Kakyou did not want that—he wanted fierce possession, the slam of pain, the choke of embarrassment and shame. He did not want to feel the way the hands ignited his skin in pleasure, the way they carded through his hair with the parody of affection. Pain was what he was after, and pain was what _Kamui_ denied him only in these situations.   
  
_Please,_ he thought to say but then failed to find the words, looking away and clenching his eyes shut. _Don’t be so gentle. I don’t deserve it._   
  
But strong fingers curled around his chin and guided his attention back. Kakyou opened his eyes and stared up at _Kamui_ , who watched him passively, his face a blank slate.  
  
 _How can you enjoy this when everything you ever wanted can never—_ he thought, but did not say. He cut himself off before his thoughts could steer down the inevitable road they always steered.   
  
_How can you imagine her at a time like this—?_ he thought but did not say.   
  
Kakyou sobbed as _Kamui_ prepared him, still gentle, still slow, still so nurturing. He smiled at Kakyou and Kakyou could not look away. His eyes widened, unshed tears threatening to spill over. Still _Kamui_ moved agonizingly slow.   
  
_Pain, humiliation—_ Kakyou thought, begged with his eyes.   
  
But _Kamui_ laid Kakyou down again, body moving over him with gentle reassurance.   
  
_I don’t deserve any of this,_ Kakyou thought miserably, but did not say.   
  
And when, ultimately, _Kamui_ finished preparing Kakyou, he took him and every time, without fail, Kakyou’s body ignited in pleasure and it was enough to choke out his sob. It was enough to make him want to drown, want to die, want to forget while he knew he’d remember every touch, so gentle. And he hated himself for it.   
  
Now was just as before. _Kamui_ slid into him easily, cradled him as he rocked. Kakyou bit his lip, tried not to cry out. But it felt good. It wasn’t supposed to feel good, he didn’t want it to feel good.   
  
And it was all his fault. He wanted pain, and _Kamui_ would not give it to him. Kakyou’s eyes clenched shut, trying to deny the way his body felt. But it just tore him apart. He knew.   
  
_How can you enjoy this—  
  
You’re disgusting._  
  
He thought, but did not say.   
  
_Kamui_ rocked against him.  
  
He stayed quiet until the end, as he always did, until his body seized up and he could not help but whisper, broken, his throat constricting around the syllables: “Hokuto…”  
  
And he refused to think.


End file.
